Why, when we have English sizes and live in England, am I faced with row upon row of continental sizing that bears no relation to anything? For instance I am a 34 inch waist trouser (yes really, well okay, 35 inch is really comfortable) and am told this equates to 52 somethings. I try on 52 in one trouser and they are too small and in another the right size. In another trouser (by the same designer - Prada) 54 is too small. Then a shop assistant will say “oh 52, that’s a medium,” or I’ll say: "I’m a 34 inch waist" and they’ll reply: "is that medium or large?"

Having been voted rear of the chorus line in Pirton Players’ presentation of Mikado, I am told I have a good bum shape. Now gravity has played its part, but it still hangs where it should, therefore a pair of trouser should fit my bum. Not wrinkle up the crack or strangle my crotch.

Do designers and therefore our clothes manufacturers have any idea what they are doing? The crotch is too tight, the waist too big; they don’t fit your backside; they don’t fit a man’s shape! No wonder the kids walk around with their trouser crotch dangling on the floor – they’ve probably given up trying to fit them.

Now perhaps it is the designers’ way of saying I’m too old for their clothes or I should be heading off to Greenwoods. But I think it is more a growing trend of the expectation that everyone can just make money. Well as far as I’m aware the only people who make money are in the Royal Mint; everyone else has to earn it.

All I wanted was a pair of trousers that fit and not to be made to feel like a freak!

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